Wednesday, 4 July 2012

A Story I Would NEVER Write

You say you would never write this story? Why not? You just wouldn't? Okay, okay, I get you... SO WHY DID YOU?! You wrote it, because you would never write it? One story, two parts. Separeted by a squiggle. And all the characters have Irish accents? You're right they are awesome.

O negative

By night they traveled, and by day they rested. Because they could be seen by day. And they were easily sun burned. And few places for shelter were big or dark enough to protect them. Every time they traveled, they sometimes had to stop short of their preferred distance to settle in a nice cave for the day, because the plains of the Magical Candy Kingdom of Death and Power and Doom are neatly mown small wavy hills, with few trees. And caves are even rarer.

In the cover of their safe-spot, they would take the little rest the needed, and gather energy while munching on the Fruit Loops they packed of the journey.  Because everyone knows that the only other thing vampires can compare to blood is Fruit Loops, and cats.

“We shouldn’t be far off” said a skinny, pale skinned, dark haired, female vampire. Crystella. “Maybe a night”

“If we’re lucky. This cave was a pretty fortunate find; we can actually have room to breathe different air. But we stopped too short; the sun won’t rise for another hour,” said a tall, broad shouldered, pale vampire man, Shayne, his dark eyes carefully selecting his next Fruit Loop. Red. He held it up in the darkness studying it, again with his dark eyes, and ate it.

“This is getting unnerving. If we weren’t nearly there, I’d say that our journey is almost not worth the discomfort"
"Keep your eyes on the prize, Crystella, tomorrow all of this will have been made worthwhile.”

When the sky finally turned colours, from blue, to blood red, the sun had made most of its way under the horizon; they set off, making their silent sprint westward.

Peripheral vision blurred, the vampires had their eyes on nothing but their destination, a castle, small but growing quickly with their approach.

All of a sudden the sky was tainted orange, and the vampires fell to their knees frantically digging a wide enough pit in a sloping hill in front of them. The sun was making its slow ascent beside the castle.

"NOOOO" Crystella howled,"NO! We were SO close. SO close! Maybe only five seconds away! Five!"
"In which time we could be cinders, Crystella, keep digging!"

They were safely hidden inside their burrow by the time the sky was pink, and they began to wait for the sun to fall. But today would be different.

"We were there!" Crystella hissed, "I can almost taste it from here. Our prize."

"I know, Crystella, me too. We have to stay in here though." Shayne said, sadly.

"But wouldn't it be great if we could just dash up there, just in time to avoid getting scorched?"

"Like a dream, Crystella, too great. We can't take any of these risks. It would be an embarrassing way to loose it all."

Crystella look down dissapointed, "I thought you said we were different."

Shanye gave her a little smile, "This trip would have been one thousand times more difficult if we didn't have each other."

Then he leaned in and started snogging her like a crazy wild animal.

Crystella broke loose, "So you admit it then, we're better than everyone else. We can accomplish more than most."

Shayne looked down, with shame in his dark eyes, "Yes," he stated, then he muttered, "As long as we're not distracted."

Crystella beamed, "It's been a long six days. A long time since we've felt the taste of blood in our mouths" she approached Shayne, "You know you want it."

Shayne swallowed, "I know, Crystella, you know that. But we have to be strict about this. We could die."

"And when's the the last time you said that? When's the last time something so fierce you could die, has stopped my Shayne from overcoming it? How can you let this be where you step down? Where you let someone, no, a thing, unliving, beat you? Where has my Shayne disappeared to? Show me you are fierce. Come with me, for I am going. I know we can make it. Five seconds."

"Are you sure it is five seconds? It looked more like ten to me."

"Who cares the limit is ten anyway."

"The limit is not ten, it was six! We'll never make it. Such a distance. I'd kill myself running if I made it to the castle in time!"

"I'm still pretty sure it's ten, but Again, try to be more impressive, I cant brag a out my tough boyfriend of he's scared of a little sun."

"All vampires sizzle in the sun. I am no different."

"But it doesn't seem to be stopping me. That puny is no match for my speed. And nor is it for yours. Join me. You did say the today we would already be there. Will you allow yourself to lie to me? Besides, don't you want all that warm. Juicy Blood. Right... Now?" She was close to Shayne. Breathing on him.

"Okay" he winced, then a mad smile split over his face from sideburn to sideburn. "Okay!"
He stuck his head out of their pit and looked up squinting. "Puny sun!" he roared.
"Wow, slow down there, tough guy," she looked him in the eyes, "We go together."

He charmingly growled in response, "I want it now! I need all that blood now! Too long without it! Six long days!"

"Yes!" Crystella agreed, "Now!"

And they made a mad vampire dash around the burrow and over the hills toward the now massive and still growing castle.

Shaynes legs were burning. Shayne's everything was burning. He knew Crystella was beside him. He knew she must feel it too. His sonic ears didn't hear her cry out, so he sucked it up too, and kept running. Eyes on the prize. Thing were moving too slowly, he wasn't covering as much ground as he'd like to. Then again, only half a second had passed. He felt a hot, burning sensation overcome him, yet he didn't stop running, eyes staying open until it started to strengthen, his muscles tightened, his energy anaerobic, he allowed himself to blink. There was a massive snapping noise, and the world toppled over. Or was that him? Yes it was him. And the crack was a tree, now splinters; he had tripped over the tree trunk. He looked up to see Crystella, doubled over. He could hear a high pitch whistle, which came with the burning, but even over that, he could hear her cackles.

"You think I would let you take my prize, Shayne? I'm not sharing it with a fool like you."

She smirked at Shayne, but he could not do anything; he was too exausted. And the PAIN. Perhaps those were the reason she was laughing.

"But since Shayne, I did love you, I will tell you that I have cheated you. I am in fact wearing sunscreen. You were right though," she watched him, "it was six se-..."

Her voice was droned out by now. The flames erupted from under his epidermis, then he blew away in the wind, leaving the smoldering tree stomp behind.

Crystella pondered on what she had done. She killed her boyfriend the bond was definitely broken, she could be weaker now. She felt weaker. She was sad.

"I will avenge you, Shanye. I did love you."

She turned to the castle, and tore the metal gate apart.


Inside the damp corridors of the enormous castle, Crystella sprinted silently sniffing out her prey. The smell was masked, she could smell the putrid garlic they used to mask it, but the fool still allowed himself to show her the way.

No one had seen her so far, and she was almost there, she hoped no one would find her. She wanted her catch to be the first thing on the menu.

She stopped in front a large pair of doors. Chains of garlic hung from them. They think I cannot touch it, she smiled. Okay, I'll play along, for now.

The doors cracked as the vampire burst into a giant ballroom holding a big torch and bracket.

Someone let out a high pitch scream.

Crystella stabbed the prongs at the end of the bracket to send attackers flying thirty feet in the air, slapping the ceiling and plummeting with a sickening crash to the marble floor.

Crystella took strings of garlic off a wall and covered the bodies with them. She didnt want their blood tainting the air, or drawing her attention.

She faced the last man standing. He hadn't attacked. His name was Collomere Persnickety, and he was the reason she was here.

"I was expecting you," he said. The man was dressed uncomfortably. He probably wore that armor those Long Johns, and that ridiculous scarf all day and night. Expecting. "They told me you were coming. Though I am surprised you arrived so... Early in the day."

"So it's true? All those tales, we followed... Our efforts were not fruitless."

"Maybe," he said.

"Do not try and hide from me what I will inevitably find out! Of course you are the one. I can smell it. You have pure blood running though your veins. The purest of them all, I can feel it even over all this garlic. And now it's mine!"

"They helped me get ready. And I am prepared for you."

"Yes, I can sense that too. All you need to defeat a vampire is a pair of really ugly tights."

Then she ripped forward as he was trying to think of a remark, and thrashed her claws at his face. He pairied them with a sword he'd been hiding, and he gave another swing. She ducked and dodged him with amazing speed. Getting behind him she clawed at his armor, openning it uncovering more layers of clothing. He tried to keep the armor on but it fell, and he kept fighting, aiming for anything vampire.

She returned the favor with lashes to every part of his body. He had so many layers of clothes, he must have been a twig without them.

Finally, she got his face. Gashes from hair to chin.

She pulled off his scarfs revealing a steel cervical collar. She ripped it off with ease, then felt the sword come down in her side. She slashed downward and the sword fell.

Crystella leapped up and kicked out her legs. She landed lightly as Persnickety toppled onto his back. She dove for the kill, and an arrow penetrated her thigh.

Looking up she saw a hooded archerer, standing on a balcony arrow notched in bow, ready to shoot again.

Crystella unstuck the arrow, and went down again for Persnickety. Her sonic hearing knew the next one was coming. She whirled around and the arrow penetrated Persnickety's stomach. She was holding him up and could nt help herself. She bit down into his twiggy neck. The blood. Oh it was good to drink blood again. Finally after a long six days.

So this is what pure blood tastes like. Without the added proteins. A good experience, but it tasted too... Plain.

She dropped Persnickety licking her lips, she picked up her torch and bracket, throwing it out at the balcony intercepting the next arrow and sticking itself into the archerer.

She licked the blood off Persnickety's hands, and finished up, deciding she doesn't particularly like O negative blood as much as the protein-filled type.

I'll stay a while, she thought, try and clean up. There's sure to be someone around here with AB positive blood somewhere.

Monday, 2 July 2012

A Short Story by Thrust Ominous

Do my eyes decive me? A story? By Thrust Ominous? That wasn't school work? I REAL story? That has an ending? In which- well I'm not going to ask for spoilers, but... You must be joking!
You're not joking? It's amazing? You're getting angry? If I don't stop asking questions and delaying the story you're going to hurt me? And HOW exactly might you do THAT, Oh-Mighty-One?

I Throw a Big Wrench

Voila! I’m done!” Toby exclaimed.

“What are you done?” I asked, putting the laptop on my chair and walking over.

“I thought you’d never ask!” said Toby, bouncing around the small table to show me what he made. The table had nothing on it besides for a sphere of dark-blue glowing light. Cluttered on the floor were piles of pages; Toby’s blueprints and notes.

“What’s that?” I said pointing.

“It’s the, um… I haven’t actually found a name for it yet.”

I eyed him with mock awe. “Alright, but what exactly is it?”

“What does it look like it is?”

“It looks like it might be fun to play with.”

“It would to you, wouldn’t it?”

“It looks like something from space.”

“I swear it isn’t.”

“Is it hot?”

“I definitely hope- No! Don’t touch – and you touched it. Of course you did.”

“It’s metal. Weird. I sort of expected it to be rubbery.” And it was warm.

“You have weird ideas.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Okay,” I said, “it’s a blueberry.”

“But it’s glowing.” Toby stated.

“Blueberries… don’t glow, right. They’re not warm either.”

“It’s warm?!” Toby said, surprised.

“Yeah, why?”

“Well… That’s a bomb. And I think you set it off.”

“Oh.” I said. All of a sudden I didn’t want to hold it anymore.

I set it on the table.

“But that’s fine. This is a special type of bomb. It the one we’re going to use in our next raid.”

“Is it special because it glows?”

“That’s only one of its perks, no it ––”

“Does it explode out blueberries?”

“No” Toby responded in the weird voice he uses when he knows I’m trying to be silly while he’s trying to get through with something. “It explodes heat.”


“Inside this orb of heat. Oh! I know what it’s called! I’ll call it ‘thermal orb’” Toby exclaimed excitedly, smiling. “Oh, right! Inside this thermal orb,” he paused to squeal at the name, look at me and said, “You don’t like it?”

“Oh, um… I love the name! Thermal Orb. I think it’s my favorite name you’ve ever picked for anything! Go on.”

He knew I wasn’t being serious, but he continued, “Inside it there is a pair of generators that create heat and energy together, eventually reaching a total of seven thousand degrees, opening the orb and exploding in an outward radius of one thousand meters.”

“And is this heat supposed to kill people?”

“At seven thousand degrees? It’s supposed to melt them like ice cream, and turn them into gas.”

“And didn’t you say I set it off?”

“Yes, but that’s not a problem now. Only if it gets too hot to touch would it be a problem.”

“Oh,” I said worried, “I think it was a little too hot for me. That’s why I put it down.”

Toby froze, eyes wide. Then he turned on his heel and placed a figure on the circumference.

“Ouch.” He hissed and waved his hand in pain.

“What’s the problem?”

“We have about ten minutes until we’re evaporated.” Toby started to pace. “This isn’t good, no my friend, I definitely would have to say that this is very, very bad. I am going to have to deactivate it.”

“But you can’t touch it!” I said.

“Yes, I know. Now let me concentrate.” Muttering, he sat down in my chair.

“YOW!” Toby rocketed a few feet forward, scattering pieces of my now crushed computer. “Oh, ouch. Oh God. This is bad,” he moaned.

“I can see that! Now what can I do?” I said frantically.

“Gn- Get my wrench from that bag over there, and DON’T THROW IT!” he faced the ball, rubbing his butt.

“Gotcha” I said, I found the bag he pointed to. “Wow, this is heavy. And that is one big wrench.” I flung the bag, and it hit Toby in the legs, he collapsed and fell on his butt.


“OK. Sorry. I forgot! It’s just such a big wrench.”

“Sometimes I wonder why we keep you around here,” Toby muttered as he got to work.

I cleaned up my computer pieces and watched him from my chair with tension as he walked around the orb, obviously oblivious as to what he had to do.

I started to ask what was wrong but he gave me a gesture, and I shut up.

“I- I can’t open it,” he said finally.

I took the liberty to come over. “Why not?”

“Remember how I told you the generators make the heat, and compress it until it reaches one thousand degrees?”

“You said seven thousand.”

“THE GAMES ARE OVER, NOW LISTEN TO ME!! I can’t open the bomb because if I did, it would explode.”

“Okay, so there isn’t, like a red wire and a blue wire thing on this thing.”

Toby’s face tightened and for a second I knew he was going to murder me. “DO WE HAVE TIME TO START SEARCHING THESE PAGES TO FIND OUT?!” gesturing to the floor. Then he said “That’s it! Maybe I can deactivate it from the outside. Or now that I think of it, cool it down! Oh no, wait… that would mean… Yes! I can open it by cracking in from more than one side!” His face in front of me, he looked closely into my eyes. “I’m a genius!”

He got his other wrench himself, he took one wrench in each hand, preparing to strike “Now the only thing we don’t want” he looked up, grinning, “is for it to start flashing.”

With a slow pulse, the Thermal Orb suddenly started flashing white.

Toby sagged, and breathed. He looked up calmly and shouted, “RIGHT NOW! GO RIGHT NOW TO RAYMOND’S ROOM! GO RIGHT NOW AND FIND A BIG METAL BOX AND BRING IT TO ME! RIGHT NOW! GO!”

I hurried away, but then Toby said, “And try not to mention this thing, please.”
"We're going to cover the bomb with it? Why couldn't we do that in the first place?"
"Because Ramond, he doesn't exaclty... know. GO!" He screamed.
 I raised my eyebrows, then couldn’t help grinning as I burst into Raymond’s room. He was standing in front of his chair with a box of thumb tacks in his hand and a rolled up poster behind his back.

“Need a metal box?” Raymond said. “How come?”

“Toby needs it! Now gimme!”

“I know, I heard the shouts. Did he actually build that heat bomb thing I told him not to?” he grinned.

“Yeah!” I said.

WHAT?!” Raymond roared.

“Box! NOW!” I grabbed the box from behind Raymond’s chair. It was heavy, but with it I ran back to Toby, who was watching the bomb, now flashing quicker than you could blink, and slammed the box over the bomb. Toby frantically pushed me aside and slid the box onto the floor and sat on it.


Toby flinched and all our ears popped.

By now, I was sure that Toby’s butt was in need of at least some minor sort of medical help.

He rolled off the box and turned it up. The inside was smoking red hot and must’ve been a centimetre thinner.

In the floor was, to say the least, a very deep hole. It was surrounded with scorch marks.

“Wow.” I said.

“Yes,” said Raymond, behind me, “Why did you make that thing, when I told you twice not to?”

Grunting, Toby stood, “I had to, Raymond. When I asked you if I could make it, I wasn’t actually asking you…”

“You were just telling me in a way I’d appreciate,” Raymond kicked away some papers, “Clean up, Toby”

“Quiet, you! You’re the one who always tells me to work in a clean environment.”

“This… Is not what I meant.”

There was a crack, and Toby breathed “Ow…” from his spot on the arm of my chair.

“Oh, and you should be careful not to sit on my pin-thingies. I put the box on the arm of that chair.”

  Toby stood wobbled for a second and fell over. He lashed out, hitting the arm of the chair bringing the pins on top of him.
I could help but laugh. "Why couldn't we just use the box in the first place?"
Toby looked up weakly,
Raymond smirked, "How embarrassing would it be if I told everybody this, then told you 'I told you so' in front of their faces? Ooh, you would hate that."
"More embarrassing than that poster you were holding earlier?" I chimed in.
"Poster?" Toby's eyes lit up, as Raymond's darkened. With agility that seemed impossible for him to use a moment ago, Toby leaped up and ran to Raymond's room. I followed and Raymond tagged along, grumbling.