Wednesday, 4 July 2012

A Story I Would NEVER Write

You say you would never write this story? Why not? You just wouldn't? Okay, okay, I get you... SO WHY DID YOU?! You wrote it, because you would never write it? One story, two parts. Separeted by a squiggle. And all the characters have Irish accents? You're right they are awesome.

O negative

By night they traveled, and by day they rested. Because they could be seen by day. And they were easily sun burned. And few places for shelter were big or dark enough to protect them. Every time they traveled, they sometimes had to stop short of their preferred distance to settle in a nice cave for the day, because the plains of the Magical Candy Kingdom of Death and Power and Doom are neatly mown small wavy hills, with few trees. And caves are even rarer.

In the cover of their safe-spot, they would take the little rest the needed, and gather energy while munching on the Fruit Loops they packed of the journey.  Because everyone knows that the only other thing vampires can compare to blood is Fruit Loops, and cats.

“We shouldn’t be far off” said a skinny, pale skinned, dark haired, female vampire. Crystella. “Maybe a night”

“If we’re lucky. This cave was a pretty fortunate find; we can actually have room to breathe different air. But we stopped too short; the sun won’t rise for another hour,” said a tall, broad shouldered, pale vampire man, Shayne, his dark eyes carefully selecting his next Fruit Loop. Red. He held it up in the darkness studying it, again with his dark eyes, and ate it.

“This is getting unnerving. If we weren’t nearly there, I’d say that our journey is almost not worth the discomfort"
"Keep your eyes on the prize, Crystella, tomorrow all of this will have been made worthwhile.”

When the sky finally turned colours, from blue, to blood red, the sun had made most of its way under the horizon; they set off, making their silent sprint westward.

Peripheral vision blurred, the vampires had their eyes on nothing but their destination, a castle, small but growing quickly with their approach.

All of a sudden the sky was tainted orange, and the vampires fell to their knees frantically digging a wide enough pit in a sloping hill in front of them. The sun was making its slow ascent beside the castle.

"NOOOO" Crystella howled,"NO! We were SO close. SO close! Maybe only five seconds away! Five!"
"In which time we could be cinders, Crystella, keep digging!"

They were safely hidden inside their burrow by the time the sky was pink, and they began to wait for the sun to fall. But today would be different.

"We were there!" Crystella hissed, "I can almost taste it from here. Our prize."

"I know, Crystella, me too. We have to stay in here though." Shayne said, sadly.

"But wouldn't it be great if we could just dash up there, just in time to avoid getting scorched?"

"Like a dream, Crystella, too great. We can't take any of these risks. It would be an embarrassing way to loose it all."

Crystella look down dissapointed, "I thought you said we were different."

Shanye gave her a little smile, "This trip would have been one thousand times more difficult if we didn't have each other."

Then he leaned in and started snogging her like a crazy wild animal.

Crystella broke loose, "So you admit it then, we're better than everyone else. We can accomplish more than most."

Shayne looked down, with shame in his dark eyes, "Yes," he stated, then he muttered, "As long as we're not distracted."

Crystella beamed, "It's been a long six days. A long time since we've felt the taste of blood in our mouths" she approached Shayne, "You know you want it."

Shayne swallowed, "I know, Crystella, you know that. But we have to be strict about this. We could die."

"And when's the the last time you said that? When's the last time something so fierce you could die, has stopped my Shayne from overcoming it? How can you let this be where you step down? Where you let someone, no, a thing, unliving, beat you? Where has my Shayne disappeared to? Show me you are fierce. Come with me, for I am going. I know we can make it. Five seconds."

"Are you sure it is five seconds? It looked more like ten to me."

"Who cares the limit is ten anyway."

"The limit is not ten, it was six! We'll never make it. Such a distance. I'd kill myself running if I made it to the castle in time!"

"I'm still pretty sure it's ten, but Again, try to be more impressive, I cant brag a out my tough boyfriend of he's scared of a little sun."

"All vampires sizzle in the sun. I am no different."

"But it doesn't seem to be stopping me. That puny is no match for my speed. And nor is it for yours. Join me. You did say the today we would already be there. Will you allow yourself to lie to me? Besides, don't you want all that warm. Juicy Blood. Right... Now?" She was close to Shayne. Breathing on him.

"Okay" he winced, then a mad smile split over his face from sideburn to sideburn. "Okay!"
He stuck his head out of their pit and looked up squinting. "Puny sun!" he roared.
"Wow, slow down there, tough guy," she looked him in the eyes, "We go together."

He charmingly growled in response, "I want it now! I need all that blood now! Too long without it! Six long days!"

"Yes!" Crystella agreed, "Now!"

And they made a mad vampire dash around the burrow and over the hills toward the now massive and still growing castle.

Shaynes legs were burning. Shayne's everything was burning. He knew Crystella was beside him. He knew she must feel it too. His sonic ears didn't hear her cry out, so he sucked it up too, and kept running. Eyes on the prize. Thing were moving too slowly, he wasn't covering as much ground as he'd like to. Then again, only half a second had passed. He felt a hot, burning sensation overcome him, yet he didn't stop running, eyes staying open until it started to strengthen, his muscles tightened, his energy anaerobic, he allowed himself to blink. There was a massive snapping noise, and the world toppled over. Or was that him? Yes it was him. And the crack was a tree, now splinters; he had tripped over the tree trunk. He looked up to see Crystella, doubled over. He could hear a high pitch whistle, which came with the burning, but even over that, he could hear her cackles.

"You think I would let you take my prize, Shayne? I'm not sharing it with a fool like you."

She smirked at Shayne, but he could not do anything; he was too exausted. And the PAIN. Perhaps those were the reason she was laughing.

"But since Shayne, I did love you, I will tell you that I have cheated you. I am in fact wearing sunscreen. You were right though," she watched him, "it was six se-..."

Her voice was droned out by now. The flames erupted from under his epidermis, then he blew away in the wind, leaving the smoldering tree stomp behind.

Crystella pondered on what she had done. She killed her boyfriend the bond was definitely broken, she could be weaker now. She felt weaker. She was sad.

"I will avenge you, Shanye. I did love you."

She turned to the castle, and tore the metal gate apart.


Inside the damp corridors of the enormous castle, Crystella sprinted silently sniffing out her prey. The smell was masked, she could smell the putrid garlic they used to mask it, but the fool still allowed himself to show her the way.

No one had seen her so far, and she was almost there, she hoped no one would find her. She wanted her catch to be the first thing on the menu.

She stopped in front a large pair of doors. Chains of garlic hung from them. They think I cannot touch it, she smiled. Okay, I'll play along, for now.

The doors cracked as the vampire burst into a giant ballroom holding a big torch and bracket.

Someone let out a high pitch scream.

Crystella stabbed the prongs at the end of the bracket to send attackers flying thirty feet in the air, slapping the ceiling and plummeting with a sickening crash to the marble floor.

Crystella took strings of garlic off a wall and covered the bodies with them. She didnt want their blood tainting the air, or drawing her attention.

She faced the last man standing. He hadn't attacked. His name was Collomere Persnickety, and he was the reason she was here.

"I was expecting you," he said. The man was dressed uncomfortably. He probably wore that armor those Long Johns, and that ridiculous scarf all day and night. Expecting. "They told me you were coming. Though I am surprised you arrived so... Early in the day."

"So it's true? All those tales, we followed... Our efforts were not fruitless."

"Maybe," he said.

"Do not try and hide from me what I will inevitably find out! Of course you are the one. I can smell it. You have pure blood running though your veins. The purest of them all, I can feel it even over all this garlic. And now it's mine!"

"They helped me get ready. And I am prepared for you."

"Yes, I can sense that too. All you need to defeat a vampire is a pair of really ugly tights."

Then she ripped forward as he was trying to think of a remark, and thrashed her claws at his face. He pairied them with a sword he'd been hiding, and he gave another swing. She ducked and dodged him with amazing speed. Getting behind him she clawed at his armor, openning it uncovering more layers of clothing. He tried to keep the armor on but it fell, and he kept fighting, aiming for anything vampire.

She returned the favor with lashes to every part of his body. He had so many layers of clothes, he must have been a twig without them.

Finally, she got his face. Gashes from hair to chin.

She pulled off his scarfs revealing a steel cervical collar. She ripped it off with ease, then felt the sword come down in her side. She slashed downward and the sword fell.

Crystella leapped up and kicked out her legs. She landed lightly as Persnickety toppled onto his back. She dove for the kill, and an arrow penetrated her thigh.

Looking up she saw a hooded archerer, standing on a balcony arrow notched in bow, ready to shoot again.

Crystella unstuck the arrow, and went down again for Persnickety. Her sonic hearing knew the next one was coming. She whirled around and the arrow penetrated Persnickety's stomach. She was holding him up and could nt help herself. She bit down into his twiggy neck. The blood. Oh it was good to drink blood again. Finally after a long six days.

So this is what pure blood tastes like. Without the added proteins. A good experience, but it tasted too... Plain.

She dropped Persnickety licking her lips, she picked up her torch and bracket, throwing it out at the balcony intercepting the next arrow and sticking itself into the archerer.

She licked the blood off Persnickety's hands, and finished up, deciding she doesn't particularly like O negative blood as much as the protein-filled type.

I'll stay a while, she thought, try and clean up. There's sure to be someone around here with AB positive blood somewhere.


  1. Cool! Awesome sauce
    Is the Candy Kingdom from adventure time?

  2. Awesome. Just awesome. I agree with Crystalla by the way. Negative O blood tastes boring.