Once upon a time there was a boy named Shesteus. He was just your average boy you would find in the city of Thud, which is where he lived. Shesteus was raised by a mom and a dad. He went to school usually, his long brown hair attracted a lot of girls, and he trained to fight with a sword. He was very confident about his fighting skills which would eventually lead to his down fall, but that’s another story. His family wasn’t so rich so he had to help out with gaining some of their livings.
He used to go out and sell the socks his mother would make, but he didn’t get much business.
“Why don’t any of you want my socks?!” He shouted in the market place one day. “They’ll look beautiful on your feet!” He then remembered that these were Greek times, and wearing socks under sandals just looks weird.
Now, being Shesteus, he was creative. He took out his sewing and hairdressing kits he kept on him at all times and got to work. His comb went scritch, scratch, scritch and his needle flew in and out and in and out. “There’s just enough material here to make a beautiful stock of togas!
“These are the best togas you’ll find in ALL of Thud!” shouted Shesteus to the marketplace, but no one was buying it, excuse the pun.
Shesteus was just about to get back to work, when someone behind him said “Don’t embarrass yourself, fool,” with pity. “Uh… let me help you.”
“OK,” said Shesteus, “but it’s a tough crowd. I’m thinking of painting them gold with this hair die. You take half.”
“I don’t think you’re a very good sales boy, fool. Why don’t you fetch me some bread from that guy all the way over there and I’ll give you some of the fruit I’m selling. And I’ll throw in this barrel of milk if you promise to quit trying to sell your…whatever…”
“It’s a deal,” Shesteus said excitedly, and a deal’s a deal, for in less than a minute the guy got his bread and lost a few pieces of fruit and a couple kilos of milk, but everyone was happy.
Shesteus loved the concept of trading favors for stuff he needed. So he tried it again. Shesteus went on quests for people for money and other valuables he needed in order to keep his family going. He was doing a great job too, and he was developing into a character that was very dependable and always kept his word. “A deal’s a deal,” he always said.
One day a powerful island called Terex, which was known for its heavy duty products, army and the accidental nuclear mutations which take place in the factories, declared war on Thud because their king, Sonim was bored. Thud was tired of this happening every few years, so the whole city agreed to make a treaty with the king of Terex.
“You know about that crazy mutated moose-bear we keep in the basements of the factories?” Sonim said to the king of Thud, Arpo.
“Yes, it used to be a man but he accidentally mutated himself and somehow became the moose-bear that loves to eat little children.”
“Yes… He loves the little ones. That is why I’m going to make you an offer. You send me two boys and two girls every two years for us to feed the moose-bear and let us call you Looser Ville for all eternity, and then we will stop attacking you when I am bored.”
“How about we give you 6 boys and girls every eight years, and drop the name?”
“Seven boys and girls, and I’ll even throw in an extra year, and then we can drop the name.”
So even as Arpo walked away from that meeting feeling a bit confused , he knew, just as Shesteus always says: A deal’s a deal.
So when nine years was up, Shesteus was very confident that he could kill the moose-bear, so he volunteered to go to be killed in Terex.
When the boat finally docked, all the fourteen moose-bear-diner to-be’s were invited to the kings castle, where they were forced to enjoy themselves, have a final meal, and were given a supposedly encouraging, heartwarming speech from Sonim about how they were heroes and should be proud of themselves.
The king’s pet, a platypus-wolf, had a different perspective on how they could be heroes. It saw how confident Shesteus looked, so it decided to approach him.
He somehow wrote a note and put it under Shesteus’s pillow while he was sleeping. It said to meet it early in the morning by the entrance to the basements and it would help him. In return, Shesteus would have to take him off the island so that everyone can look at its gloriousness.
Shesteus met the platypus-wolf at the entrance to the basement a few hours before they were to be sent into its depths. The platypus-wolf gave him a sword, a few lanterns and candles, and a huge ball of string, which he would tie to the door and would use to find his way back once the moose-bear was dead.
“And remember, you must bring me off this island so that everyone can bask in my gloriousness.” The platypus-wolf said his human voice strangled between a crackle and wolf.
“A deal is a deal,” Shesteus said.
Shesteus and his fellow girls and boys were hoven into the darkness of the factory basements. As soon as the first few lanterns were lit, their eyes were opened up to a long endless tunnel.
“Wow,” said some of Shesteus’s associates.
“You stay here. I’ll go down there and kill the moose-bear, then we’ll all be free!” said Shesteus
“What’s the yarn for?” asked someone.
“It will help me find my way back here when I’ve killed the monster,”
“What if you die?”
“I’m not gonna die.”
“How ‘bout you hold the yarn really tight, so that if the string in our view falls to the ground we know we’ve lost hope?”
“What if I drop it?”
“We’ll think your dead.”
“See, what if I’m not?”
“I donno! Am I supposed to know everything?”
Shesteus sighed “Just be safe and stay over here. That’s all you need to do. Light your lamps and torches when you need to. Each one should last about an hour.”
“And we’ve got one… two… three… four… of them,” said a boy, with a match in his hand “so that means we’ve got four hours!” He lit them and watched the flames dance with a grin.
“It doesn’t work that way if they’re all lit at the same time!” said a girl taking three and smothering the flames.
“OK, you just keep each other company, don’t move, and make sure the string doesn’t dislodge from the door,” and Shesteus walked away sword and light steady.
Half an hour later the boys and girls were talking and noticed the string fall to the floor. They didn’t move.
“He’s dead!” The girl who argued with Shesteus exclaimed.
It took a whole five minutes, but the boys and girls cheered as the string jolted.
It took another twenty minutes, but Shesteus emerged into the children’s light, he’d dropped all of his.
“We thought you were dead!” said the girl who shouted Shesteus was dead.
“You thought he was dead,” said another girl to her.
“I did too,” Shesteus intervened. “I nearly drowned in the monster’s stomach fluids, but luckily I slashed myself out. Here’s his pancreas!”
“What do we do now?” asked a boy.
“We’re free!” said Shesteus.
“Yay, I feel so free behind this locked door inside this dark dungeon!”
“I guess we have to wait for the platypus-wolf.”
A few hours later, halfway through an annoying song about a pigeon, the door opened and the platypus-wolf poked its head in “Oops,” it said a little sarcastically, “Must’ve lost track of time.”
“Yeah,” said Shesteus, “You must’ve, because you would never make me sit through those horrible songs for a really long time.”
“Um… Uh… yes – exactly. Now, come quickly, our boat is waiting.”
Under the command of Shesteus, the boat sailed toward Thud for a few days. Shesteus wasn’t happy, however. He was mad at the platypus-wolf for making him sit through those annoying songs, and he was sure the platypus-wolf had something planned. He didn’t know what, but he was sure there was something.
He went to the platypus-wolf’s cabin. It was sleeping softly. He decided to do it. He had to. It would be better for everyone.
He docked near a deserted island, and put the sleeping platypus-wolf on the beach. He made all of his friends watch its gloriousness, because after all a deal’s a deal.
I hope you noticed that it is a ripoff of Theseus and the minotaur. And that Shesteus is just an anagram of Theseus. And that YOU loved it. And will get your pitchforks ready if I ever need you.
I referenced a load of random stuff in this story, mainly from Avatar. The chaces just kept popping up. And last of all... It feels weird writing a post title that long.